Eulogy

read by Terry Mouland

Tom Baxter
Graveside Service at Pine Hills Cemetery
Monday, July 23, 2018 at 3:00 p.m.

It is an important day when we gather together to honor a life and take the time to ensure that someone we have loved is taken care of in every way possible. Time slows for just a moment as we stand in this place to acknowledge that Tom Baxter has touched our lives.

It is said that some die without having really lived, while others continue to live, in spite of the fact that they have died.

It is both comforting and heartbreaking that at times, it feels like Tom is still with you.

His influence in your life cannot be overstated.

He impacted you with his devotion, strength, his smile, his quick wit, to determination and his ability to simply make you feel better.

We are not here to explain why sickness comes to some and not to others, Why some lives are so short when we still had so many plans for life with them. There is an unfairness to everything changing and us being left to miss those we love. I think Robert Brault said it best when he said that sometimes the best gift we can give to one another is understanding, even when we ourselves do not understand.

So you have come here today to be with him on this part of the journey, ensuring that what remains of his human body is cared for in a place of dignity and respect.

Many people have come here and said some very difficult goodbyes, and often you see people returning to be close to loved ones. But you don’t need to be here to stay close to Tom. He is still with you in your everyday life. Tom lived his life to the fullest by reaching into the lives of countless people through his ability both to listen and to make people laugh.

We are not here to make it all better. We are not here to put an end to the memories. When people walk by, they will be able to see that Tom lived his life, But each of you will know so much more than just a marker of name and dates. You know the gift he was to the world.

In fact, we are not here because he died, we came together because Tom lived.

In trying to describe how a life is made worthwhile, Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

To laugh often and love much; To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To give of one’s self; To leave the world a little better, Whether by a smile, a garden patch, Or a redeemed social condition; To have played and laughed with enthusiasm And sung with exultation; To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – This is to have succeeded.

Tom Baxter succeeded in his life.

His life began on May 28, 1961 in Scarborough and he’s been impacting lives ever since.

For the last 57 he made his mark on the world.

You are here because you are the ones who loved him, who laughed with him, and you were inspired by him.

You loved him.

Love is complicated. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s very hard.

It’s the most important thing we can do for one another, but it’s easy to mess it up.

Love doesn’t mean being perfect. Tom wasn’t perfect - and that is a good thing.

We’ve been told that: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

You see love does not exist only when things are good. Love is there when we are hurting, when we feel lonely, and when we miss someone's voice, Love is here in this cemetery today and it will continue to stay with you because love is the most powerful force we know.

There were many things in his life that Tom loved. But at the top of the list would be his family. His wife, Gigi, his seven children, his grandchildren, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle, nieces, nephews, cousins. He loved a lot of other things too. He loved to tell a joke, he loved that women found his voice sexy. He loved being a gamer and the people he met though gaming. Tom could find peace in World of Warcraft or in saving the world in Call of Duty, and of course, Final Fantasy. He met some amazing people through gaming.

He loved a good Chinese buffet, he loved talking and he could do it for hours!

Even the first time he met Greg, he found a way to get through by not just talking to him, but telling him a dirty joke and leaving a lasting impression.

There may have been times when he seemed a little grumpy or set in his ways, but you knew that he loved you, even on days when sickness took over his body, and that is how love never fails.

We simply go through different seasons in our lives, today we realize there is a season for everything.

There is a time to create memories, And a time to cherish those memories.

A time to be together to enjoy the good days, and a time to come together and help each other through the rough days. As a family, you’ve done both. You see, if in every time of need you count your blessings as well as your tears, and fill your heart with the best of the past - hope will come to you.

There are many memories you will cherish and thinking of him may bring some tears right now, but at some point, and it will be a different time for each of you, his memory will bring more smiles than tears.

I want to share a couple thoughts from family members:

His sister, Michelle in Alberta says:

It is hard to find the words to say at times like these. Even as I write this the tears flow freely from my eyes. So many things going through your head happy thoughts, sad thoughts, angry thought, regrets, wishes. The children and I have not nearly come to visit often enough and usually centered around sad times such as this. I know that Tom would not want so much tears. He would tell me don’t cry.

I listened to him when I was 5. He told me not to cry. So I didn’t even though I was bleeding profusely from the gash across my head. The doctors were worried that I was not crying. My mom had to explain that my big brother told me not to cry. After 32 stitches and time that wound healed.

Right now I cry as it is my heart that aches for everybody's loss. Injuries heal and the pain subsides but loss of family members never really heals. Memories open up the wound of the loss of family and loved ones and without notice sometimes the flood
gates open. Or when something special takes place that you know they would enjoy and they are not there to share in the moment that would of made them so happy.

My fondest memory of our last visit is one of Tom and my son Zack. Zack is not an affectionate person as those of you that know him can attest to this. Ask his Auntie Esther as she continues to try to get a hug out of him for 12 years and has only succeeded out of sheer force and bribery. Zack walked up to his Uncle Tom. Tom puts out his hand and Zack reaches around him and gave him a big hug. This almost made me cry. Glad I didn’t cause right after Tom asked me not to cry for him.

My dad told me something once. I will share it with you. He said ‘ I like to envision people that have passed doing something they would like to do’. So I will sit back and envision My mom and Dad having a picnic at the falls or by the lake with Tom and Tim sharing stories and joking around with each other as other family and friends stop by to join in the festivities. Or Sitting around the table having a coffee just sharing their time together. We will all envision different things but all the pain and medical issues will be gone.

Peace is with you Tom.

His sister, Esther says:

Tom, as I sit here thinking of what words to write , it is hard to choose which memories to write about as there is so many. You should be here to support me through this but you are not. One memory that comes to mind that shows your support that we joked about to bring about a bit of humour to the situation; is the time I had emergency surgery. The circumstances were that Doug was making his way back from work and was not able to get there right away. Your coat was dirty from work so you grabbed my coat at the house and headed straight to the hospital when I woke from anesthetic you were standing over me in my blue winter jacket with the hood pulled up. Even though we lead separate lives I knew when it mattered you would be there. I have taken a bit from two poems to express how I am feeling and what I want to say. I know you understand that I myself can not read this.

To Tom. As kids we lived together. We fought, we laughed, we cried. We did not always show the love we both felt inside. We shared our dreams and plans. All the memories that we shared, is what bonds me to you now. We grew to find we have a love, that’s very strong today. It’s a love shared by our families that will never fade away. You are my brother not by choice but by nature of our birth. I could not have chosen a better one, you are the best.You gave no one a last farewell, Nor ever said goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why. In our hearts you hold a place that no one else can fill. It broke our hearts to lose you but you did not go alone, for part of us went with you. Rest In Peace Tom. Sending love and hugs to wherever you may be.

His brother, Rob in Alberta says:

Brother • Tom my brother has past, will never forget you, • There when you needed him or not, • Always had good advice and able to settle a worried person. • Could sure use some words from you now. • Although sad and wishing you were here, angry wishing you weren’t taken..why is God taking all the good ones? • Maybe he knew the pain you were in..I don’t know. • You’ve been a brother I looked up to and sometimes wanted to be. • I watched you play guitar and sing in your band..and by mimicking learn to play as well. • Tom stood for family..so all you kids remember that and be there for yours. • When I started high school a bully hit me on the school bus..in the background I heard “You know who that is!”…”That’s Tom Baxters lil brother”..The bully proceeded to apologize and ask not to tell Tom please…for the next three days..made me laugh inside..so without being here I know you’ll have the same effect on our lives. • When Dad was Ill you and Gigi flew to Edmonton to consol Mom and be there for him and the family. • Both of you would be there to help family whenever the need was there. • Before Dad passed although he couldn’t speak..he reached to his side grabbing Tom’s hand, then reached to the other grabbing mine and placing them together, with us two brothers holding hands a tear rolled down Dads face and without speaking we knew what he meant. 2 • I am going to miss you so much…the talks we had although on the phone were nice. Your humor though sarcastic (thank Dad for that) could be read between to lines knowing you wanted the best for everyone. • Gigi thank you so much..Tom was way better having you in his life and knew how much you loved him..as you say it often. • You were a welcome addition to our family and brought Greg and Conner to us as well. • I don’t have the words that Tom would have but know he loved you guys so much as he loved all his family. Gigi you’re Forever my sister and wish I could be there to hold you and lend you a shoulder. Tom you’re in my thoughts forever. Rest my brother

Aunt Mary shared the story of Tom (Tommy) bringing her flowers and cousins Jim and Annie shared how much they loved Tom and will continue to love his family. Cousin Barry shared stories of knowing Tom and Tom's father, their similarities and of when Tom lived with Pat and Barry, young adult memories, that gave everyone a smile.

The reality is the last while has been extremely difficult, the time in hospital that was supposed to be short, he looked like he was getting better. It was not fair. It didn’t allow us the time we want with people, it hurt everyone in a family, it has us second guessing ourselves and saying lot’s of ‘what if’s”. But nothing, not even illness, can never diminish what Tom meant to you.

His sayings are already being passed on from his children to his grandchildren, When you talk about him, people will wonder if all those stories are true, and you’ll smile again knowing just how amazing Tom Baxter was.

For Connor, he was the guiding force in his life. Even homeschooling him when times were hard, and sharing his love of the online world with him. He could make him feel like the most important person in the world.

For Jasmine, there was an incredible bond that started as she sat on his knee while just an infant as he was programming.

He admired her, saying she had always been grown up far before her time. He accepted her choices in life, and that included Adam who he accepted as his own son.

And for Bill, Tom loved the visits they had, the working on computers and his pure joy in all of Bill’s accomplishments.

In fact, in his wallet, Tom carried a picture of Bill when he was just 3 years old at Niagara Falls shaking hands with a giant 8’ alien. I have no proof that it was a real alien.

So we hold on to those memories because if we remember him, he is never truly gone.
We don’t say goodbye, we don’t close a book and forget a story.
We allow Tom’s life to continue to inspire us, to guide us and to help us live our own lives to the fullest.
And so we place him here, but we know that he has found freedom from a body that could no longer contain his spirit. If you believe in an afterlife, I think we all picture it a little differently than anyone else. I think for Tom it’s got to be a place with family, with computers and without illness.

For him, there is no pain and no sadness. It is us who had the sadness in losing his voice. We commit his body to the earth, but we hold on to the very best of him in each of our hearts.

The poet said: When I come to the end of my journey And I travel my last weary mile Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned And remember only the smile Forget the wrong words I have spoken - Remember some good I have done Forget that I ever had heartache And remember I've had my own fun Forget that I've stumbled and blundered And sometimes fell by the way Remember I have fought some hard battles And won, ere the close of the day Then forget to grieve for my going I would not have you sad for a day But now and then, look towards the sky, And remember the difference I made And think in the shade of evening When the sun paints the sky in the west My life was a gift to remember, And now I have earned my rest.

Jasmine placed Tom's urn in the grave and placed a grey vase of flowers.
Jasmine, Connor and Bill each untied a bag of grey helium balloons each and we watched 57 of them float away.